August 2011
3 posts
Another misdirected email
Hi Sammy, Just a note to tell you that Uncle Fred and I are thinking of you and wishing you well at college—and to ask if this is the email address where I can send your birthday present. Love, Aunt Ivy
Hi Aunt Ivy, Thanks! All is well here at college so far. Hi to Uncle Fred. Sam
Me: HEY FUCK YOU! Wait, why am I yelling at shipping rates?
Him: Do you enjoy being angry?
Me: Yes. Yes I do!
Him: Carry on, then!
July 2011
6 posts
Sorry, Wrong Number
Email from Missouri area code.
Them: I was jus tryn this 2 see if it wks
Me: It doesn’t work.
Them: If it didnt wk i wouldnt b talkin 2 u haaaa. So u gonna b commin home soon cuz it looks like rain n im n bed bout 2 go 2 sleep.
Me: Nope, I’m going out for a while. I have a taste for some WHISKEY! YEEEHAW!
Them: Ok im goin 2 sleep. Get some cids n food. Lol see ya when u get home...
I was so close
[15:53] <Spockers> damn you mitten. [15:54] <Spockers> I just had all my dice in my mouth and was trying to figure out how to grab my camera when it occured to me what I was doing. [15:54] <Assmitten> WOOOO [15:54] <Assmitten> I win [15:54] <Assmitten> NOw I have a little tear [15:54] <Spockers> Hmm, and now I’m missing my d4 [15:55] <Spockers> I...
Oh Six Year Olds You Make Me Lol
Just discovered that my kid’s panther, who is black and named “Inky,” is actually “Encheie.”
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW
smilelikeyouredeadinside:
ed. note: I did not make this, found it on Something Awful. BUT THE QUESTION STILL STANDS
June 2011
5 posts
Things I Learned Today
1. It takes about 15 minutes to squeeze a pound and a half of key limes.
2. About 35 key limes make up a pound and a half.
3. This amount of limes will make about 1 1/4 cups of juice.
4. When you drop the Pyrex measuring cup containing the 1 1/4 cups of juice it on the floor and bend to clean it, the juice will sting your knees.
5. Shortly thereafter, any juice that splashed up onto...
NO and then
Step One: Buy lacy underpants
Step Two: On day three, Hulk lacy underpants up so hard they get little holes in
Step Three: After two washings, little holes become slits and gaps that you could drive an El Camino through
Step Four: Declare underpants “too gross even if no one else sees them”
Step Five: SWEAR AND THROW THEM OUT
Step Six: Sale rack; oooh, lacy underpants
Hi SJ, We recently contacted you regarding advertising for one of our clients. We pay an annual fee to you as soon as the advert is live. It is a straightforward process and we work with you to make sure we fit naturally with your site. Please let me know if you are interested and I’ll send you more details. Would you be interested in selling us a simple text based advertisement on...
Probably does not belong on Microaggressions.com
No, I will not be ashamed for sticking Hostess Pies to my boobs and declaring the whole business “The Titty Pie Tree.” FUCK OFF.
Born in a Barn
“Man, how high up are you shaving?”
“AS HIGH UP AS I DAMN WANT TO SHAVE GET OUT!”
May 2011
17 posts
Inappropriate
My father, who I am not really in touch with much, sent me this email. Or rather, a hacker did.
You will look very hot at the beach after a 2 weeks treatment with natural weight-loss complex!
[12:59] <Assmitten> So, Dov Charney’s dick is bigger than I thought it would be. [12:59] <spock> perspective
Concupiscence
Very excited to have received a threatening email tonight. Do I love trouble? No, I do not. Do I want a scrapple? NO, my goodness, no. I can just hear that SHHHHHK-toss, SHHHHK-toss. There you go, diggin your own grave with that shit.
Me: “Are you biting me?”
“That depends, are you going to be mad if I’m biting you?”
In News No One Cares About
I put on pants I have not seen the inside of in 6 months today. Whoa. Post IUD, I lost ten pounds in ten days. What a great diet! I’m going to make millions! Too bad you have to GAIN 30 pounds on the IUD first. Whoops.
For the love of dog
styro:
Can we please stop talking about Jane Pratt already? She hasn’t been relevant in decades. She publishes shit that is controversial to get you all reading and clicking and clucking and get those feathers all ruffled. SURPRISE, IT WORKED.
EVERYTHING STYRO SAYS TODAY IS CORRECT! I love this. I’m going to sell all my things and just go listen to her teachings.
Dreamt about http://twitter.com/#!/mzanthropy last night which is funny because I jokingly told her that I was going to have a crush on her this week. OMG it is happening. I also dreamt that I had to move into an apartment and get rid of my chickens. Very stressful. No sex dreams, and apparently no refunds either.
TERIYAKI
My sister fake tanned herself before leaving for Illinois. She is Not Risking Skin Cancer. However, she forgot to wash her hands after application #2, and has teriyaki fingers now. Also, I saw arm streaks as she got out at the terminal. :(
My Obituary By Spock
“She died when Verne Troyer crawled up into her. We tried to stop it. We warned her. In the end he was too small, and she not careful enough.”
“‘Keep those legs closed! Verne Troyer might be lurking,’ I used to tease. She would laugh, and change the subject; usually something about Adorno, or tacky jewelry. Meanwhile I would scour the room for signs of...
I can't get enough spock lately
[16:24] <spockers> You should write The IUD Monologues. [16:24] <spockers> It could have songs, and Verne Troyer could cameo. [16:25] <Mitten> He has to sleep his way into it [16:25] <spockers> OH HE WILL [16:26] <Mitten> LOL [16:26] <spockers> If you’re not careful he’ll just crawl up inside you when you’re not paying attention. I hear...
To Me
“You tweet so much if you were being killed you’d be all ‘Being killed IRL, LOL!”
April 2011
6 posts
Ten is Magic
“You look like Carmen Miranda with that Slinky maraca.”
“Who’s that?”
“She had a fruity hat on her head all the time and maracas.”
“DO I LOOK FRUITY? DO I LOOK MOROCCAN?”
Let Us Have Japes
“Are we going to Portland?”
“Well, the BIG people are going to Portland. You’re staying home in a cardboard box, okay?” I said.
“NOOO Meanest Parents EVER!”
“Well, I’ll tell you what,” her father said. “You can go as long as you can answer one question.”
“Okay.”
“What is this gross national product of...
[15:03] <Assmitten> I get stunt sex, I really do. [15:04] <Assmitten> Helicopter man, A++ [15:04] <spockers> HELICOPTER MAN! [15:04] <Assmitten> I think it’s possible to have non-hateful stunt sex [15:04] <spockers> Helicopter Man seems very respectful. [15:04] <Assmitten> HA [15:04] <spockers> As weird as that sounds. [15:05] <spockers> He...
Yeah so that happened
I just walked out to find my sister and my girls watching a movie on my laptop. 1. It’s a good thing I was not looking at porn last night and 2. I had better PW protect that shit. I thought the fact that the laptop IS MINE would be enough to keep people off it. Ha ha ha.
Last night was about fiery car crashes, mislaid paperwork, and icy roads that caused fishtailing. I also dreamt I went into a tattoo parlor to get my back tattoo, even had my shirt off, then made some excuse and left. I think I’m impatient to see the font that’s being made for it.
Truculency
Me: I know we’re not having sex because I wore my BAD underwear, with the holes in, on purpose.
X: Damn. I wore my GOOD underwear, on purpose.
March 2011
4 posts
“I’m telling MOM!” I hear footsteps just stop short of my door. Perhaps she changed her mind, decided not to pester me, or to call a truce with her sister?
A pause, then she walked back to the dining room.
“Mom said that YOU’RE BAD and you need to listen to what I say!”
“No, she DID NOT,” her sister said.
“I didn’t say...
How can you not know??
Me: You know when you queef and…
P: How about we make a deal where you don’t tell me what that word means?
Strudel: I’m putting my cards down my PONTS in my BUTT.
M: If your butt is as dirty as your face, we’re in trouble
Me: I’ve really been feeling Poe lately. You know how they make you read it when you’re a kid? I never really got it.
DL: Yes, and then you grow up and realize how horrible the world is and it makes more sense.
OH HOW I LAUGHED.